Excerpt from Tracy’s Celebrity Hot Mail: The Royal Baby.

TRACY'S CELEBRITY HOT MAIL COVER  The Royal Baby

Hi Emma,

Did you see the news about the royal baby?

I’m really pleased because it means we might get a reality program set in the palace. It will be great to see Kate changing nappies and burping the baby. I think she’ll be a brilliant mum. She could get celebs like Katy Price and Chloe Simms from TOWIE to share their child rearing tips with her. I’m thinking of sending her a pair of fake, Ralph Lauren baby shoes, they’ve got them down at the local market. I reckon she’d really like those. Wouldn’t it be fantastic to see him at his Christening wearing a pressie I sent him? I bet Kate gets lots of presents sent to her when she gets home, but those shoes are really classy and she likes quality stuff.

Dad says he’s sick of the leeches and reckons Kate only got pregnant so they’ll give her a new flat. Gran called him a traitor and hit him with her stick. She’s wearing her red white and blue bloomers like she did for the jubilee. Every time Dad moans about the TV coverage she flashes them at him and Dad has to go upstairs to be sick.

Mum’s really pleased too, but she’s a bit worried about how they’ll cope as a young couple with prices going up all the time. She reckons the landlords in London ought to do a special deal for them so they can afford to rent. Dad says they won’t have to worry because ‘us suckers’ keep paying for them out of our taxes. Gran said that Dad didn’t pay any tax for twenty-five years because he was on the social with a bad back so he ought to write them a cheque for the money he owes. She reckons that would easily pay for a nice pram and some good terry nappies.

Dad said he’s rather give his money to the poor and destitute. Gran asked him if the Dog and Duck had changed its name.

Gran told us all that she thought she might have a bit of royalty in her; she said that there had been rumours of a royal tryst between her Grandmother and a certain royal personage. Dad said that might be right because old Henry the 8th shagged anything that moved.

After that Mum and Gran started swapping tales about how much pain they suffered giving birth. That made Dad feel sick again so he went out for some fresh air and a pint.

When he’d gone, Mum told me that I was born at home and she wanted Dad to be there at my birth but Gran told the midwife that Dad was a drunken, wife beater who had left Mum to fend for herself when he found out she was pregnant. When Dad got back from his cash in hand job later on that day the midwife hit him over the head with an enamel bowl and chucked him out of the door. Dad didn’t get to meet me until I was 3 days old.

Gran had a good laugh at that. ‘Those were the days,’ she chortled.

Mum and Gran are going to get the train down to London so they can stand outside the palace and wave at Kate and Wills when they bring the baby home. I wouldn’t mind going myself but I’ve got a lot of promo work to do this week. Shane Slyder, my agent, has lined me up with a job judging and handing out prizes at a national hairdresser’s competition that’s being held in the area this week. He reckons I might get a new hair cut out of it if I play my cards right. Apparently, playing my cards right means I have to vote for Wendy who styles for, The Best Little Hair House in Harrogate. Shane’s got a bet on them to beat the two favourites. Bryony from, British Hair Ways and Hettie Stacks, from Headonism.

On Thursday Shane’s organised a paid job at our old school. I don’t have to do much, just answer a few questions from the girls in the fifth form about how to get on in life with no qualifications at all. It doesn’t seem that long ago that we were there ourselves, Emma. I’m surprised they’re inviting me back after what happened in the chemistry lab but I expect Mrs Bunsun has retired by now. She always blamed me for that fire.

Right that’s it Emma, I’m off to get an update on the new baby. I wonder what they’ll call it? I reckon they’ll end up ringing David Beckham, he’ll have an idea or two. I think if it had been a girl, Kate would have called her Chardonnay or Teigan; that would have been so cool.

Mum and Gran reckon they’ll call him George or Henry because he needs a kingly sort of name but I think Kate will go with something modern like, Dwayne or Tyrone. King Tyrone sounds really epic, I think I’ll suggest that when I send her the baby shoes.

Catch you later Emma

Tracy.

Tracy’s Celebrity Hot Mail available in kindle or paperback. Click for more details.

 

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