The Barbershop Quartet

The Barbershop Quartet

Back in the days of a long time ago
when you needed a trim you would get,
a shave with your haircut and thrown in for free,
was the barbershop quartet.

Big John Head was the bassman,
his voice was as deep as the sea.
He was manly and muscled as broad as an ox
and he fancied a milkman called Lee.

Baritone Barry was bald as a coot
his voice was a smooth as new glass.
He was madly in love with Small Ernie’s wife,
who ran the town’s cookery class.

Small Ernie McGee was the tenor,
he didn’t approve of John Head.
They didn’t quite do homophobic back then,
so he did homophonic instead.

The lead parts were sung by Wee Willy Wilde,
he liked to embellish his role.
Willy took knickers from Ernie’s wife’s line,
Barry bought all that he stole.

Alfonso was the chief barber.
He had a brother called Del.
Del was involved with a barmaid,
who was married to One Eyed Mattel.

One Eyed Mattel was a gangster,
with scars all over his face.
He picked up his gun and went looking for Del,
he found him at Alfonso’s place.

Alfonso was shaving the sheriff,
while the singers were giving their best.
Del was sat reading the paper,
as a bullet flew right past his chest.

The quartet carried on singing,
as One Eyed Mattel took fresh aim.
The sheriff hid under the counter,
this wasn’t his sort of game.

The barber’s quartet sang a sad song.
Alfonso started to cry.
Wee Willie picked up a steel handled comb
and stuck it in One Eye’s good eye.

No Eyed Mattel staggered out to the street,
the quartet were singing the blues,
The sheriff came out from hiding
now he had nothing to lose.

They all made their way out into the street.
where the Pastor started to pray.
The barbershop singers sang ‘Abide With Me’
as No Eyes was carried away.

The barbershop singers aren’t there anymore.
Alfonso and Del are long gone.
Barry and Ernie’s wife ran off to Rome
and Ernie moved in with Big John.

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