Category Archives: Tracy’s Hot Mail

Tracy’s Celebrity Hot Mail. Election Special

Politics

Hi Emma,

Did you see the local BBC news last night? I was on it, live outside the town hall. I’ve been up half the night watching a boring by Election program and I’m so tired, I can’t stay in bed today though, I’ve got a gig in Grimsby later on.

Shayne Slider, my agent, rang me early yesterday morning to tell me to get down to the polling station at the town hall because the local BBC evening news program wants to do a short feature about the way people vote. I had to hold a microphone and ask young people what they think about current affairs. I thought that was a bit weird. I know politicians like to put it about a bit, but should we really be discussing who’s banging who on the six-thirty news? I mean, it’s usually all boring stuff about new bus lanes, Grannies who knit coats for chickens and whistling lollipop men.

I wasn’t all that pleased when Dad first shouted me down to be honest. It was only half past ten and I really fancied a lie in, but when he told me what it was all about I got really excited. Dad was going to be there anyway, canvassing for the Labour party and Gran told him if he was going, she was going too and got her crayons out to make a Conservative party poster. Dad said Gran doesn’t even like the Tories; Gran agreed but said anyone was better than the Commie bastards Dad supports.

I had a quick breakfast of cereal, boiled eggs and soldiers, toast, jam, tea and a croissant, showered and got dressed in my low, white top, the one with the flower embroidered on the left boob, and that short, floral mini skirt that got blown into our garden when we had the high winds last autumn. I wore my black four inch heels but that was a bit of a mistake as my feet were killing me after a couple of hours.

Dad gave me a lift down to the town hall and set himself up with his, Vote Labour, placard near the entrance. There were already some people there from the Conservatives, the Lib Dems and UKIP. On the end was a little old bloke wearing a yellow, chicken’s costume and sunglasses. His placard said, Free Everything for Old People. Vote Yellow Chicken/ Blue Stilton Alliance Party. Near the door was a policeman in uniform, he kept checking his watch as if he was late for a crime.

The evening news crew were just setting up, so I wandered across and introduced myself to them. The Cameraman, a guy called Zac, gave me the once over, got me to stand in various poses, then saved the recording to a memory stick. ‘That’s for my own collection,’ he grinned.

The producer’s name was Timothy Taylor. He was a quite young to say he had such an old duffer’s name. He shook my hand and told me what he was hoping to get from me during the day.

After a couple of practice questions they let me loose on the unsuspecting public. First up was a girl of about my age with a short, spikey hair and a lip ring. I knew straight off that her clip would end up on the cutting room floor because her dress sense was abysmal. Continue reading

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Excerpt from Tracy’s Celebrity Hot Mail: The Royal Baby.

TRACY'S CELEBRITY HOT MAIL COVER  The Royal Baby

Hi Emma,

Did you see the news about the royal baby?

I’m really pleased because it means we might get a reality program set in the palace. It will be great to see Kate changing nappies and burping the baby. I think she’ll be a brilliant mum. She could get celebs like Katy Price and Chloe Simms from TOWIE to share their child rearing tips with her. I’m thinking of sending her a pair of fake, Ralph Lauren baby shoes, they’ve got them down at the local market. I reckon she’d really like those. Wouldn’t it be fantastic to see him at his Christening wearing a pressie I sent him? I bet Kate gets lots of presents sent to her when she gets home, but those shoes are really classy and she likes quality stuff. Continue reading

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Brand New Tracy’s Hot Mail Snippets. Feminist chat.

feministFeminist Chat

Hi Emma,
How’s the jogger’s nipple? I hate that, I got it once when I wore that hessian blouse without a bra to Bryony Chalmers’ end of engagement party. I was really popular with the lads that night but Christ, my nipples felt like they’d been chewed on by a starving buck toothed Piranha. I used up three-six-packs of Greek style yoghurts trying to cool them down.
That bastard, Simon, my ex, put my name down for the wet t-shirt competition at Tossers night club. The lousy sod said I’d be a shoo in with my cast iron nips.
Gran’s been giving us a lecture on how tough life was back in the 1960s tonight. It all started when Dad came home from work saying he was going to see the doctor about getting a few days off. Mum got all worried, she doesn’t like the idea of dad being on the sick. The last time he had a few days off he didn’t go back for twenty years. Continue reading

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Tracy’s Hot Mail. Now Republished.

TRACY'S HOT MAIL COVERThe kindle and paperback versions of Tracy’s Hot Mail, a satirical look at a member of the X-Factor generation and her friends and family, has been reissued on Amazon. 99p for Kindle and £3.99 for the paperback version. A signed copy can be bought at no extra cost. A small postage charge will be levied for the signed book.

 

Kindle Edition UK

Paperback Edition  UK

The sequel. Tracy’s Celebrity Hot Mail will be available in reissued formats very soon.

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Tracy’s Bits and Pieces, Gran Visits the Doctor

Hi Emma,

I had to give Gran a lift to the doctor’s today. I went in with her because she reckons that the locum is probably a pervert and will ask her to get onto the couch and try to get her to take her bloomers off. She says there’s probably a very good reason why he can’t get his own practice.

The doctor was a very nice looking Polish guy, with the sort of husky voice that could melt the knickers off a nun. He can get me onto the couch any time he wants. He wouldn’t even have to ask me to remove my pants. I wouldn’t be wearing any.

Anyway, drool over, back to the story. He asked Gran what was wrong.

She said. ‘My body hurts wherever I touch it.’

‘How strange,’ said the doctor. ‘Show me.’

Gran dug her finger into her left shoulder. ‘OW,’ she cried.

The doctor frowned and asked her to prod somewhere else, so Gran prodded her right boob. ‘OW,’ she cried again.

It was the same everywhere she touched, her knee, her wrist, everywhere. I was beginning to get a bit worried to be honest, but then the doctor prodded her on the knee and she didn’t flinch. He prodded her on the shoulder but Gran didn’t react.

The doctor looked me straight in the boobs and smiled a wistful smile.

‘She’s broken her finger,’ he said.

Gran refused the offer of a bandage and said she’d stick her finger into a stool when she got home. The doctor said he didn’t think that was very hygienic but Gran said she had four stools in her bedside drawer and two of them were quite new. The doctor looked at me and shuddered. I had to explain that she didn’t mean that kind of stool.

Tell you what, Emma, I think I’m going to change doctors, I feel a dose of thrush coming on.

Catch you later.

Tracy the itchy.

 

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Gran’s bits. Tracy’s Bits and Pieces

Tracy header   Hi Emma,

Gran’s a bit worried about her friend, Joyce; she’s in hospital again. Gran says Joyce has got a Clostridium deficit or something. Apparently she can’t stop pooing. Gran reckons it’s the crappy food the Meals On Wheels people keep delivering to her. She said she only had a Meals on Wheels dinner once and it made her shit through the eye of a needle for week so she started going down to the Salvation Army homeless centre for her lunch. She reckoned you had to be careful not to get too close to some of the smelly buggers or you’d get nits or scabies, but the food was okay.

Gran told us about the time she went into hospital to have an operation on one of her eyes. While she was in there an eye professor bought a load of students around the ward to show them how clever he was. He was so boring that by the time he got to Gran’s bed they had all vanished. He told Gran that he’d developed a detached retinue.

Gran told him there was no way she was going to allow him to do her op if he’d got a dodgy eye himself.

Catch you later babes, off to watch Casualty.

Tracy

Tracy’s Bits and Pieces (Tracy’s Hot Mail)

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Tracy’s Shorts. Tracy’s Bits and Pieces

Tracy header   Hi Emma,

We were at the bank’s ATM yesterday and an old man asked us to help check his balance… So Gran pushed him over.

Gran says Americans love our royals. Dad says they wouldn’t have them if we gave them away free with cornflakes. They just like to see the rich and lazy living it up at our expense.

I told Gran that she could get android tablets now, she said she didn’t need them although she did get androids after giving birth to Mum. She said they were bloody painful too but you couldn’t get a tablet for them in those days, you had to use a suppository.

We’ve just had that Nigel Fartage bloke from UKRAP canvassing in our street for the General Election. Dad hurled abuse at him out of the window. Gran hurled her knickers. I think Nigel appreciated Dad’s efforts more.

NEW!  Tracy’s bits and pieces. (Tracy’s Hot Mail)

Find out more about Tracy by reading the novels. Tracy’s Hot Mail and Tracy’s Celebrity Hot Mail. An insider look at modern society. Published by Crooked Cat Publishing

 

 

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Norks. (Tracy’s Bits and Pieces)

Tracy header   Hi Emma,

I’ve just had a drink with Flossie McGlossie, the Scottish girl that almost made it out of the X-Factor heats last year. She’s a right good laugh. She’s still a bit miffed because the Commonwealth Games organising committee refused to endorse Vodka snorting as a recognised sport for the games. She’d have pissed the gold medal if it had been included. More comes down her nose than goes in her mouth when she starts to giggle. We had a great time in Norks Girly Bar. She copped off with one of the topless barmen they have in there. He was all right too; his pecs looked like they’d been pumped up with a tyre inflating machine.  She’s seeing him tonight. He told her his name is Marko, but I heard one of the other lads behind the bar call him Stan. I told her but she didn’t seem to care, she said she had no intention of their relationship getting too deep and she told him her name was Megan, anyway. Continue reading

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Tracy’s Thoughts On Kate’s New Baby. Tracy’s Bits and Pieces

Tracy header   Hi, Emma

Did you see the papers today? Kate Middleton was seen with a handful of pink paint samples. which is making the press think she’s having a girl. Kate’s really trendy and into good music, so if she is having a daughter I reckon she’ll call the baby Beyoncé or Rihanna, then again, maybe she’ll name her after Jeremy’s daughter, Kelly Clarkson. Just for an outside bet though, and in case there’s a hint in those swatches, I got dad to put a fiver on for me at the bookies. I got 10,000 to 1 on her being named PINK! Wish I’d put a tenner on now, Kate’s bound to have all Pink’s albums. I think I’m on a winner here. Tracy the gambler.

 

From Tracy’s Bits and Pieces. (Tracy’s Hot Mail)

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Tracy’s Celebrity Hotmail PRICE SLASHED!

Amazon have slashed the price of the paperback version of Tracy’s Celebrity Hot Mail to just £4.24p. I’m not sure how long the promotion lasts so if you’d like a copy for Christmas or as a present, then grab it while you can. You can buy it here in Kindle and paperback formats    Tracy CHM Front

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